Allow me to reintroduce myself

I really push for being genuine in my business but I haven't been doing that in all areas of my life. I haven't been honest about who I am and why I started my business. I was in a relationship that turned abusive. I've been hiding this part of my life for many years, and even from people close to me. Mostly because of shame, guilt, and pride. Also, I really did not want sympathy or to come across as fake.

I wanted to build something I loved genuinely, but out of fear, I hid the main component that pushed me to begin with. With October being Domestic Violence Awareness Month I have had this strong tug to speak about my experience. Then I realized that I would be doing a disservice to the same community that I want to help.

Domestic Violence has many forms and affects so many more people than you can imagine. Since it doesn't come in the same format, and because I present “well” it was very easy to hide it. My goal is to bring awareness to a disgusting plague and hopefully save someone from a similar tragedy.

In this photo, I was 21 and a new mom to my 3-month old son. what you can’t see behind this smile is the black eye I had covered under a lot of MAC makeup courtesy of my abuser. I had just gotten my iPhone phone replaced that my abuser broke, this was my attempt at trying to pull it together.

Ever so often I look at this picture of when I was broken and bruised and think about how I found any strength to put on a good face. I also think how it was the first time I’d smiled in a long time. That small moment I was a piece of light I held on to for future dark days.

The relationship nor the abuse did not end this day. Ten years later, 3 stay away orders ( one currently active) I’m proud to say the relationship is over. The scars have faded and I am in a safer space mentally, physically, and emotionally.

My abuser is someone I’ve known for a big portion of my life. I always felt that I could not and would not ever be a woman who would be in an abusive situation. However, I ended up in what feels like a never-ending one.

My desire to never give anyone power over me and to keep my son safe and for him to never see or grow up in a violent home was the reason for me removing myself. “Why did you stay?” “How could you stay?” I thought that it would end. The fact is once someone intentionally violates you they won’t stop they just change their methods. Don’t get comfortable with allowing anyone to violate you. I was able to get my first stay-away (restraining) order with the help of a wonderful agency called Break The Cycle. They provided legal representation and many resources such as My Sister’s Place which provides shelter to domestic violence victims. I’m forever grateful for all of the support I received especially after being questioned and doubted so many times by authorities, family, and friends.

Having to defend and reenact my experiences caused me to hide my feelings and part of my personality. I became very guarded and cautious. My ego grew to make me never want to appear weak or fragile and I refused to have my experience associated with any accomplishment or business venture because those were the things that I built and I refused to allow anyone to take that from me. After a lot of healing and growing I want to be transparent so as not to create falsehoods for my clients, followers, and supporters that I’m only pretty pictures or “perfection” and that’s what I promote. To anyone experiencing or has experienced Domestic Violence or knows someone who has things aren’t always as they seem. What I do promote is loving and pouring into yourself, showing up as the best version of yourself even on the darkest coldest days. Whatever that may look like for you. Anyone attempting to mute you, or dim your light, or treat you as if you’re too much or not enough get far away from them.

I know it’s never easy to do what’s best and safe for yourself, especially if it doesn't appear harmful. However, help is available National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or by text START to 88788. Take photos, save texts, and emails, and keep a log even if it’s in your notes app.